Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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