her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
