the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
