omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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