NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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