We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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