Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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