dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize