first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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