I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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