ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
