I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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