Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
