i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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