Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
