i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
