Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
