just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
