A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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