Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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