I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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