His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
