My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
