Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
