hotel room ftw
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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