do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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