if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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