the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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