Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
