I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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