my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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