Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
