I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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