nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
