Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
