Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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