Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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