what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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