I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
