i just made my gag reflex go away.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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