he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
