oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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