highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize