Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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