I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
