I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
