I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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