I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
