I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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