well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
