Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
