Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
