i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
