I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
