My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Two words: nipple clamps
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