At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
