My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
