I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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