Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
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Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
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That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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